It is not a mystery to me that this is an IPA — a super hoppy, slightly sweet IPA. I’m OK with that, because I like that sort of thing. You may be like the original owner of this bottle, though, and take one taste and demand that I trade him.

His loss, really. Hops ftw!

All Clevelanders are confronted with a single defining moment when traveling. This moment consists of one of two questions, depending on how informal one’s relationship is with those one encounters. If it’s a very relaxed environment, and the conversants are relatively young (under, say 35), a reference is made to a certain scatological sexual act. If everyone is over 35, or if it’s a Sunday School class, invariably, upon finding out you’re from Cleveland, someone will ask, “Isn’t that the place where that river caught on fire?”

Yes. Yes, it was.

We’ve moved past it. Put it behind us, and collectively settled it, emotionally speaking. We don’t do that anymore. At least not on accident. Our fire water is strictly on purpose, now. In fact, we’ve learned to embrace it. YES. SHIT YEAH. Our river caught on FIRE. Beat that Toledo. We named a beer after it, and if the EPA doesn’t like it… Well, who are we kidding? Their water purification budget has been cut back to three pool skimmers and a water noodle.

My lack of beer experience led me astray tonight. Evidently “Pale Ale” is too similar to “India Pale Ale”. I knew that I didn’t like India Pale Ale. Knew it with a passion. Evidently I don’t like “hops”. Who knew? I did, and dammit, I still drank the damn Burning River. That’ll teach me to not read a label. Two thumbs down, but that’s just for the hops.

Midas Touch Golden Elixir by Dogfish Head

At 9% ABV, you can really taste the weight of this ale, but in an excellent way. The grapes and saffron come through subtly, and all in all, it’s an intriguing, smooth bottle of beer with a nice hint of honey sweetness.

Plus, it’ll totally get you drunk off your ass!